A loss for words...

As I sat back this morning with my breakfast and decided that I'd brave Sarah's newest post over at Not so Bright and Shiny...I wondered...how she sat down and did this...so fresh and new on her heart...the day we lost my brother is a day I'll never forget...much of the stuff she described...well we went through it too...sure we were in the confines of a hospital room...but all of the very same stuff happened...Family and Friends coming to say their last goodbyes (at that point I was in shock and pretty numb as to what was happening around me), Doctors and Nurses saying their goodbyes too, not doing much for him except monitoring his pain...A few days prior to Bubba's passing when he was still lucid enough to talk or was it his previous hospital stay a few weeks prior, again kind of blurry...he asked our very dear friend (Vanessa) to sing at his funeral (a particular song, In the Arms of the Angel by Sarah McLaughlin)...how did my sweet friend sit there and take that request at such a young and venerable age...I mean at 18 it is a lot to take on something like that...but she did it with grace and a proudness and I'm forever grateful for this request and she did him so proud at his funeral. I remember Sam, Lisa and I spending the night up at the hospital the night before his passing or was it 2 nights before...that week seemed to all run together...we were so uncomfortable...but weren't...we were there for a reason (To be with our Brother and that made all of our discomfort go away...how could we be uncomfortable while watching him, seriously?!?!?) I remember his last breath here on this Earth...I remember all of us surrounding his bedside touching and caressing him...I remember screaming at the top of my lungs "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" when it really happened...HOW DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN??? was what was going through my mind?!?! Where did my laughing - smiling brother, friend, hero GO? I remember making the call to the love of my life that couldn't be there because he was away to college and telling him that my Bubba was GONE...he was GONE...I remember him showing up the next day to be with me and my family...After I saw him I knew things would be ok and that he would take my brother's role forever as my protector...he has done my brother proud. Why am I writing this...I really don't know...except that I'm not quite sure I've every expressed all of this in words...I kind of went numb after it all happened and sure I've talked about him and love him more now then ever...if that is even possible...but I just want him to know I'm safe and that he is never out of my mind or heart...he is always in my thoughts and prayers and Jolie knows and talks to him at prayer time just like Nina and all of our children will one day when they are able to understand a little more...Uncle Bubba would have loved these girls with all of his heart...they would have been his everything...just like I know Sam and I were to him...the love he had for us was just something that is unexplainable...and I Thank God everyday that I know what that Love is...Everyone should be loved how he loved US...

Ok enough blabber from me...I was able to stomach one bite of my toast this morning while reading Conner's last song...Like Vanessa sang at Bubba's service...In the arms of the angels....Fly away from here...you will forever be in our hearts Connerman!!! Tell my Bubba I love him and miss him!!!

{Mandy}